People often say they want the confidence to do something in their life.
They’ve probably even been waiting for it to come.
You can’t wait to feel ready
I’m often telling clients that we can’t wait to feel better before we do the things that matter.
If we did…
We’d be waiting a long time.
And while you’re waiting…
Life doesn’t pause.
And soon the weeks turn into months.
Opportunities pass.
Other people move.
You stay where you are.
Most people don’t actually lack confidence.
They avoid the situations that would build it.
I was listening to Leila Hormozi on Jay Shetty’s podcast this week. She had so much to say and this is just one thread of a lively and inspiring discussion.
She talked about how affirmations didn’t work for her in her 20s. She was struggling with some stuff, but highly motivated to change.
The thing is we can’t just talk our way into confidence. If it was that easy, people wouldn’t put off doing things.
The things that would help them move forward, take opportunities, and grow.
She described how she was waiting to feel ready…
But it didn’t come.
Then she dropped this gem:
“You don’t ever feel ready until the second time you do something.”
“Confidence is an output.”
Confidence is built, not found
I am often telling clients that confidence is an action, not a feeling.
That we can’t ever feel totally confident before we do something.
Usually that makes it click. Or at least opens a door.
We act our way into confidence.
Not pretend act.
Take action act.
Leila’s take is this.
We need to build evidence that we can do the thing we want to do.
And confidence happens when you do the things that might feel bad in the moment, but get you where you want to be.
Do the thing.
Get evidence.
Get enough evidence, you become competent.
Competence builds confidence.
But we can sometimes hit blocks that we can’t shift on our own.
When you know what you want but still can’t move
One of my clients described lacking purpose in his life outside of work.
He’d burned out. Took some time off. Wanted things to change.
With some stability back in place, he turned to something that mattered long-term.
Building a social life.
He found a group event to join that involved something he loved but had just been doing on his own.
He set a goal. But he couldn’t see how he’d be able to do it.
When we zoomed in to explore what was stopping him, there was fear.
A specific fear.
Judgment. Failure. Something catastrophic.
And we traced it back to a past experience that had stuck. (This is where using EMDR in coaching gets really cool).
We processed that memory. Took the emotional heat out of it.
And this allowed him to believe something new about himself too.
Then we came back to the goal.
Broke it down.
Just the next step.
There was still some apprehension. Naturally.
And yes, some thoughts about how it might go…
But he wasn’t stuck. He could move.
And he did.
He surprised himself. That was new.
Collect the evidence
That’s the evidence most people avoid collecting.
That’s what confidence is built on.
Sometimes you can do that on your own.
Sometimes you need help getting past the block.
That’s the work.
If you’re stuck at that point where you know the next step but can’t quite take it, we can work through that together.
I work with adults who feel stuck and want to change direction in their work or life.
Image credit: Anne Laure on Unsplash